What would it feel like to stop apologizing?

I wrote a short Instagram post with this question in mind. Here’s to further musings:

Another place to begin could be: what does it feel like in your body when you feel the urge to apologize?

You know that urge. When you haven’t done anything. You’re about to speak, and, instead of simply saying what you need to, you use sorry as a precursor.

Let’s bring that feeling to your postpartum home:

Imagine—someone walks into your home.

There are toys splayed on the floor.

Dishes in the sink.

Pump parts with breastmilk still in it.

Maybe even a diaper on the changing table that hasn’t made it into the trash yet because your baby was particularly upset the last diaper change and you wanted to soothe them instead of making sure the diaper got tossed.

Or maybe your baby arrived a few weeks early, and there are baby shower presents stacked in a corner, barely unwrapped, certainly not organized away.

What would it feel like to feel the urge to apologize for the state of your home and then . . . pause . . . take a breath . . . and say nothing instead? Or even, “oh, its so good to see you. would you make us both a cup of tea and come sit on the couch with me?”

I imagine for some that may induce a little stress. For others maybe a widening of space between your ears and shoulders. Or maybe for others a thought of “well, you don’t know what it feels like to have so and so over.”

More times than I can count, one of the first things I hear uttered when I walk into a client’s home postpartum is: “I’m so sorry the house is messy.”

Recently, I heard a new one: “I made sure to clean the house before you got here.” This from someone with a toddler and a newborn.

What would it feel like to trust that everyone walking through your postpartum door (or your door at any stage of life!) was simply excited to see you and looking forward to lending you a hand with whatever you needed?

Okay, I already hear the counter examples percolating, waiting to be poured steaming hot into a mug.

Sure, there can be house guests postpartum who have an agenda of sitting on your couch and holding your baby for as long as possible, basking in their newborn smell. Or a family member who thoughtlessly says, “I can’t believe you still haven’t [fill in the blank].” That’s true for a lot of us. Most even.

In order to relax around feeling an urge to apologize postpartum, I believe we need to start practicing that habit now, daily, in our present lives. Even if that present life is postpartum life.

What if we paused after we felt the urge to apologize and made a brief assessment of whether the apology was warranted?

What if we saved apologizing for when we truly need to make an amends because we have said something hurtful? Or treated someone poorly?

What if we started planting seeds now around showing up differently in one another’s homes?

Here’s an even bolder question: what if the only folks welcome in our immediately postpartum homes are folks we do not feel the urge to apologize around?

I’m personally forever grateful for loved ones who offer new perspective or provide a little love shove in service of growth and expansion.

While waiting for more friends to arrive for dinner one evening, the first person to arrive dropped her food on the kitchen counter and started doing the few dishes I had in my sink from earlier in the day. My immediate reaction: “oh gosh, that’s so embarrassing. Please don’t do my dishes.” Her response: “just let me do your dishes for you,” as she proceeded.

Now, it is not infrequent when we are at each other’s houses to hear whoever is a guest say, “just let me do this for you.”

Here’s to encouraging ourselves to consider quieting unneeded apologies and start bringing more tenderness into our homes when we don’t “have it all together.”

Is there a growth edge here for you? An additional something to consider?

I’m genuinely curious to know.