Rapport*: Birth Support’s Secret sauce

What do you think of when you hear the word rapport?

The internet tells you rapport is two men in business suits shaking hands. A person in front of a computer on a video conference call. Power point slides with flow charts. “Building rapport with clients.” “3 Ways Rapport Building Skills Can Help You Succeed.”

Rapport simply means, “a friendly, harmonious relationship . . . especially: a relationship characterized by agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy that makes communication possible or easy.”¹

Basically, being in-sync.

As a partner, anticipating supporting during birth may feel daunting.

You’ve got a lot to learn, a lot to pay attention to, a lot to process. Maybe you’ve supported in this space before, maybe you haven’t.

You’re going to be experiencing a loved one in pain without being able to take that pain away. Yes, you may need to advocate for your partner and baby with medical care providers. There will be blood and other bodily fluids. You may need to ask clarifying questions to get more information. Discern in the moment if something happening is emergent, urgent, or neither. Ask the midwife to “get here as soon as possible.”

But, where do you begin?

Rapport. Stay in rapport with your laboring loved one.**

Through it all.

What would it look like, sound like, feel like to be in rapport with someone in labor? To be in-sync with someone about to birth a baby?

The truth is, I can’t give you a one-size-fits-all answer.

I can provide some suggestions to practice, a couple of labor examples, and a brief nod to the husband who was elbowed in the throat by his laboring wife.

At the end of the day, though, my strongest encouragement is to practice being in rapport with your partner while they are pregnant.

Birth is going to ask your partner to go where they have never gone before. How are you preparing to stay in rapport, in sync, empathetically aligned as they traverse the unknown?

That prep could include doing breathing exercises together, listening to a guided birth meditation with one headphone in each, or slow dancing with the lights dimmed while syncing your breath. Like truly syncing your breath without needing to count aloud but silently aligning the rise and fall of your chests.

Maybe practicing labor positions so you can ask what feels good and supportive without a contraction in the way.

Or perhaps listening to Mongolian throat music with them because the deep sounds make them feel held and grounded even if it makes you want to giggle.

I want to be really clear: regardless of where a person gives birth, ideally, their support is in rapport with them. Whether in a surgical theater, on your bed at home, in a birth pool, or on a birth stool, rapport is of the utmost importance. AND, if you need to transition between any one of these places, having and maintaining rapport with the birthing person becomes even more imperative. Imagine that bubble of rapport, your connection, staying in tact and not popping regardless of the environment.

Creating and maintaining rapport with your laboring loved one will have varying textures during the different stages of labor because labor asks different things of them throughout:

Early on, while you might be buzzing with excitement that labor seems to be starting, staying in rapport might look like expressing your enthusiasm, quieting any anxiety you might be feeling, and shifting to conversations or activities that distract your partner enough to cope with early contractions.

During pushing, rapport may look like remaining steady and silent during intense contractions, still focusing on your partner (maybe applying counter pressure or supporting them in a position). And then in between contractions, expressing affirmations, providing encouragement that feels appropriate for the moment.

“Go gather your power for the next one.” “Fully relax your body. Let me hold you while you rest.” “You are incredible.”

If your partner has an epidural, being in rapport as they move through dilation may look like doing your best to focus on them and their experience rather than staring at the monitor watching the contractions happening that they cannot feel.

Mammals require a few things for optimal birthing environments (humans can be a little more complicated in that they have psychosocial needs as well):

dim — quiet — safe — cozy — private

The environment sets the space for that perfect cocktail of hormones to flow, creating a symphony in the body between birthing parent and baby that makes birth possible.

There is never a guarantee for how birth will unfold, even if you have a plan. If you are connected and in rapport with your laboring partner, imagine how that might impact a sense of safety, coziness, and private intimacy regardless of what happens.

Oh, the husband who got throat checked?

Yeah, he was laughing at a joke with his sister-in-law during an intense contraction. His wife was close enough to communicate with a hard elbow to the throat. Suffice it to say, he was abruptly brought back into rapport. :)

*Britta Bushnell introduced me to the specific notion of rapport in the birth space. Watching her role play being out of rapport and then being in rapport during her childbirth education class was delightful. It really helped me sink my teeth into the concept and begin to make rapport one of the primary skills I focus on in prenatals with clients.

**A note: I focus on partners and loved ones here, AND birth support is birth support. Rapport is essential to establish and maintain for everyone in the birth space: doula, midwife, nurse, doctor, sister, grandma, EMTs etc. Everyone’s role will inform their flavor of rapport. As a partner, you have an added benefit of an opportunity for deep, intimate rapport that no one else can bring into the birth room. Cultivate that, Make it your secret sauce.